A PSA about friendship and cancer
When you think of ‘losing friends to cancer’ it sounds like the person died.
But there’s another way to lose a friend to cancer,
and unfortunately it’s heartbreakingly common.
Whenever you go through a big change (like cancer, divorce, marriage, moving), there will inevitably be a friend who just opts out. They aren’t up for dealing with the trauma that your crisis evokes for them in their own lives.
Leaving you to agonize over ‘what did I do?’, ‘what did I not do?’, ‘how can I fix it?’ and to generally feel like an awful friend, because if you weren’t an awful friend, why would someone you love kick you out of their life with no warning?
I’ve heard this before, and I didn’t really think much about it. Until now. Because what I didn’t realize, is that sadly, this is likely to be someone really close to you, not just an acquaintance.
I was just bombed with the heartbreaking loss of a soul sister, a decades long friend, who ‘doesn’t want to invest in this relationship anymore’.
And so, through my hurt and dismay, the most constructive thing I can do with this loss is hold it up as an example and hope it can spare someone some heartbreak.
A friend who loves you for exactly who you are is the most precious gift in the universe that should never be thrown away if you can possibly avoid it.
Of course, I will never know that it was cancer that caused this. People don’t like to think that that’s why they do this kind of thing. But out of the blue after many years of wonderful times together, and despite my worries over what I did to cause this, that’s how I’m calling it. Yet another reason that cancer sucks.
So consider this a Public Service Announcement.
Your friend with cancer (or other hard thing) did NOT do this to YOU.
She is not as focused on you because
• she’s fighting for her life, and
• all the other things that are truly essential to her family are way behind and it’s going to take most of a year to catch up,
• she thinks of you often and does reach out, even if you are not counting it as ‘enough.’ When we want more from someone, ‘enough’ can be a very elusive quantity.
So what if you ARE overwhelmed by a friend’s trauma?
• De-escalate the friendship to the lowest common denominator. Just sending each other stupid stuff that makes you both laugh and nothing else is enough.
• Say you’re having a hard time dealing with it, that it’s traumatic for you. Then you’re in it together and can say ‘stupid f*ing trauma’ and take the power out of that thing that’s happened.
• Keep the kernel of what you both like together, and just do that.
• Resist the nuclear option of excommunication. It actually takes more work to keep someone out of your life, than it does to resolve or narrow the relationship.
When cancer (or other big trauma) happens to you, it happens to your friend too. That’s the sad reality. Which is why, as hard as it is to go back when trust is broken like this, I will always love this person and her family, and hope that in time we can find some way forward.
I’m sorry you’ve had this happen. It’s hard to know why other people decide to break apart . . . but what can you do? Keep being the loving, sharing and beautiful woman that you are. There’s no doubt it’s worth investing more in those who stick by your side, than those who would rather drift away.
Catherine
I’m really brokenhearted about this loss. My gut says to let some time pass and give it some space. Advice is welcome.
I find it hard to believe anyone would do this to a real friend when they are going through cancer. Could it be crossed wires?
I’m through treatment, and she was AMAZING to me through treatment. I told her repeatedly how much it meant to me. She has never been anything other than a great friend to me, and I thought I was to her too. I deeply wish it was a misunderstanding, so we could just clear it up. I don’t have a single bad thing to say about her. I’m just trying to make sense of it.
Hi Elissa,
So sorry this happened to you……Everyone handles things differently. Sometimes people push us away because they don’t know what to say, or how to deal with this news. I remember when my father was going through treatment, people would treat him different, afraid to even talk to him! Like they were going to catch cancer by talking to him! I was lucky, my best friend had a hard time dealing with my diagnosis, but she was ALWAYS there for me. We always talked about everything. I don’t know what I would have done with out her! I had a great support system, husband, family & friends. I’m blessed
I would give her some time….remember….Peace comes through a mind that forgives. Love ya
Elissa,
As another who is in a similar battle, I know exactly what you speak of. I only wish I had the power of words that you possess. Thank you for being our voice.
Love,
Keith
In totally different and much less serious circumstances I fell out with my childhood best friend of twenty years. She gave me no explanation but ten years later we are speaking again (we do not live near each other) and the reason for the hiatus has never been raised. Sometimes our paths are intertwined and other times they move apart. So much common ground from years of closeness will bring you back together x
Hi Elissa – I have been following your journey for quite a while and have been so glad to see so many posts about the supportive power of friendship. You have been blessed. In this one instance, it is so hard to know why this friend is stepping back. Remember who you are and what you put into the friendship and who she has been to you in the past and maybe, someday, you will have a reconciliation or at least an explanation. When I lost my son to suicide, I too was blessed to have many friends who stuck with me through the unimaginable. I became close friends with many who had been only acquaintances before. In only one case did I feel like I really lost a friend and I can only guess at why. But I certainly understand and empathize with your loss.
ok, this breaks my heart because being your friend is the best gift life has given me… so i can’t even imagine choosing to opt out. that’s INSANE! you’re like a massive pot of gold at the end of every single rainbow! i love you so much!! and kudos to you for being amazing as always and turning something awful and heartbreaking into a teaching moment for reflection.
My heart breaks for you. We are going through something similar, but not related to cancer, but in some ways as consuming as cancer. We carpooled together, watched each others houses when we left town for an extended weekend, socialized with each other on weekends, celebrated birthdays and anniversaries together, vacationed together, etc. But we also filed a lawsuit against the school district where our children used to attend school and their children still attend school. I think that how I contributed to the problem is when things got awkward and odd I let it grow. Now it is even more awkward and odd so it seems insurmountable. I think that all you can do is to really examine what you did to make the problem worse or bigger and then move from there.
Consider the trees. They have different root systems: some roots that go down deep, those that run closer to the surface, and the more minor tendrils that scrape the surface. They all serve a purpose. No tree has one or two roots. This helps them stay nourished, watered, and strong through all kinds of weather. We have family, kindred spirits, friends and acquaintances who help us stay steadily rooted and emotionally supported through our lives. We do not have just one or two of these for the same reason the trees have more than one root. It is sad to be estranged from a very dear friend…a lightening strike. Thank God you have had better days In the past together…good memories. Stay strong and trust the great wisdom that created in you a heart that could love deeply, care greatly, and could also be sustained by the relationships your heart is rooted in.